This is another post intended for one person only. If you're not her, please hit the back button. Vampires are only allowed in if they are invited so that means beat it 🧄 ✝️
Hey :)
I was debating writing something much lengthier, maybe even speaking to camera but both those things seemed odd. There's still so much I want to say to you; including apologizing for how I initially approached you and something that may have been insensitive in the opening of that song about you where I sampled The Cults.
As I started taking those foreign language lessons I quickly realized that in the culture you grew up in making plans with people is kind of a big deal that you do far, far in advance. Well, it's clear I totally blew that one and I hope that you didn't take my sense of urgency as a sign of not having respect for you. The reality is far the opposite.
I'm also regretful I shared that Cinema Yoga piece publicly when it featured two sampled images of you. I tend to be overly optimistic but seeing how things actually unfolded I see that that didn't communicate respect towards you either. I am truly sorry for both of those things.
As for the opening lines in that song, it came from a place of childlike innocence but as I recently started eating watermelon for the first time in my life and went down a rabbit hole of the whole racist history surrounding it; I was like, oh fuck, I hope my intentional use of broken english in that opening lyric didn't get taken for something like in those old racist cartoons people used to make. Saying it the "right way" never even crossed my mind and if I was forced to I'd rather just change the lyric to something else entirely. It's clear working through racial stuff is part of this journey as well and if that line offended you I'm sorry for not being more senstive and aware.
While we're on that topic; confession... in 11th grade my friend randomly suggested we make a remake of Lil Wayne's "Tha Block is Hot" for our video class's group project. Without hesitation we went all in and recreated it shot for shot; fake set in my mother's living room included. Sprinkler in my garage as a poor mans rain machine too. We mimicked all the choreography and in the edit I literally matched the entire video frame for frame except for a few shots of helicopters and cops we couldn't get ourselves. This was pre-youtube days and by the time that stuff came around I had little interest in sharing it. Some dude from my high school that wasn't even involved uploaded a copy though and it has over 120k views now. Watching it more than 5 seconds makes me cringe but every few years I'll get curious and read through the comments. I don't know exactly why I feel called to share this with you but I do. As I got older it didn't seem so funny anymore and after going down that rabbit hole recently it brought a lot of those same uncomfortable feelings to the surface again.
As much as I claim to be beyond the body, things still get hazy for me when race is involved. There's absolutely no way I would've even started recording rap again if both the person who encouraged me to initially and the person who liked my first song hadn't both happened to inhabit bodies with brown skin.
Before I start writing a novel let's get back to what spawned this blog post initially though... I wanted to share this song about you again. I love it so much and I really meant what I said. I've been cutting back on Dominos but I dream of making Friday night pizza night with you here. A cover band plays at the shopping center and on top of everything else Hawaii has to offer it's totally a valid enough reason to move to a foreign island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Every Friday I wanna be dancing in the front row sandwiched between you and that lady with pizza sauce all over my shirt.
I'm going to continue to completely respect your boundaries, but in the event that you're perusing this blog I wanted to share this outwardly. Like everything I shared with you previously, it also needs to get out of me for my continued healing. I'll spare you the video but I literally got shingles while writing you that last DM and it was fucking gnarly. Life isn't some shitty Farrelly brothers movie and I'm not afraid to admit that. I've lost count of how much garbage Hollywood programming I've had to break through in order to be honest about my feelings and simply be myself.
I'm doing my best to respect your privacy in this process. I honestly don't think many people even read this blog other than my Mom and she doesn't even know your name either.
I really meant it when I said I have no interest in being with anyone else. I live down the street from a beach that's filled with naked young women seven days a week and I could care less. I go to another secluded beach by myself and imagine laying there with you one day. Anything else would be a lie.
I also wanted you to know I wrote my ex-wife a letter last week fessing up and apologizing. I told her about the spiritual experience all those years back but I never went into detail as to exactly what it was that caused it and all the intense feelings I was having towards you.
Take your time and do you. I completely cut contact with my entire family for a whole year when I was going through my stuff; so I'm not sweating the timeline too much. I'll always be here if you're ready and I'm thinking big picture. I'll probably make a lot more mistakes but I try to always take accountability and do better when it happens.
Please forgive me. I love you 💚