I still lurk on Instagram from time to time and this clip of Joaquin popped up on my explore page today. The immediate feeling was, oof, that's totally the high road I want to be taking in all aspects of my life nowadays. Thanks dude🪞
Some of you may or may not have seen a recent project I posted that involved a lot of commentary on the first feature documentary I worked on. I have no regrets in making or posting it and I was being guided to do so but upon seeing that clip of Joaquin I instantly knew that it wasn't something that was meant to stay public forever.
I've always been a subversive person. I think subversion comes from a place of thinking that those you wish to subvert actually hold power over you and are standing in the way of what you truly want. Once you realize that's not the case at all you're kinda like, why am I even doing this anymore? I feel bad. Subversion can be helpful for releasing past pain and trauma but what's the next step when all that pain is gone?
It was necessary for me to go through that process of self expression and healing in order to get to the point where I could acknowledge that it's no longer in alignment with how I would handle the situation today. A few rolls of film and two months had me seeing things more clearly and whoever was meant to see that post already saw it.
I pull stuff like this all the time. I call it timeline collapsing. When you're a stem you're a stem. When you're a flower you're a flower. Once you're a flower you don't spend time shaming yourself for being a stem. You just acknowledge that it was a necessary part of your growth, seal off the floodgates on that path moving forward, and continue evolving ever upwards. I'm a new person every day and it's so freeing to give myself permission to operate that way.
I wanted to share this for two reasons. One, so maybe other people can allow themselves to undergo a similar process without shame or guilt. Stagnancy is death and seeing past actions from a higher perspective is at the heart of what I'm interested in. Two, so any artists I collaborate with in the future know I won't pull something like that again. Trust and a good reputation aren't easy to build but in that instance I was willing to take the hit in service of something far larger than all that stuff. From now on I just say no from the getgo or dip out mid-project so I never put myself or other people in that situation again. To everyone involved, please forgive me and thanks for skipping the crucifiction; I've heard that's a real bummer.
Also, please know, that same forgiveness I'm extending to myself is one I also extend to other people.
Godspeed and funky butt lovin' ⚾️
(And no, I'm still not editing for hire.)